Losing a Loved One


Having a grandparent who is to that point in life where it is almost their time is completely heartbreaking. But it hurts even more trying to think of life without them when you have went your whole life with them there. 
Sometimes it’s sickness. Someone’s it’s just old age. But God is calling them home. 

I remember when I first found out my grandma had cancer… and when I did, I broke down. I didn’t even know how things like cancer could happen to people. Good people. My grandma is one of the sweetest people in the world and the last thing she deserves is this. 


When my grandpa left this Earth to go be with God, I felt myself die inside. Now, it is my grandma who is sick and fragile. She is needing help 24/7 and she is sleeping all the time. The sad thing is I’m 12 hours away. I’m in a completely different state. I feel useless. She is hours away and I can’t even sit by her side and hold her hand. I’m here worried as ever. She would never want me upset but it is so hard

This is heartbreaking. 



I have been crying off and on for days. Trying to process those words, “She won’t be with us much longer”… 

all I want to do is sleep because it’s better than reality. But every time I sleep I dream about losing her. 

People keep saying “It will be okay.” 

No. No it won’t. 

When someone is losing a loved one the LAST thing to say is “It will be okay”-   I would rather hear nothing at all. It isn’t going to be okay. You know why? 

Because my best friend will be gone. My best friend won’t be here anymore. 
And yes saying “She won’t be suffering anymore” doesn’t really help either… 
I understand she will be with God. I do get that. She will even be with her true love and I will be so happy for her. 

But right now… right now.. 

Let me try to deal with losing her the way I know how to. 

Give Your Heart To God, Not A Boy

The heart is the most important part of you. If it’s beating, you are alive. And when you love, you feel even more alive. 


I know how easy it is to give your heart away, especially to a boy… but don’t. 




Your heart is fragile. 

We all know that considering how much we can get heart broken. 

But the heart is also strong, oh man it is strong. We can get hurt over and over again and still breathe. 

After being the girl who wore her heart on her sleeve; after giving my heart away to someone who just let me down, I realized the only one I needed to give my heart to was God. NO boy was worth giving my heart to. NO boy deserved my heart. The only one I trust with my heart is the One who created it. 

Once you let someone have your heart, you give them power over it. That means the power to break your heart. 
Would God do that?

No. He wants to protect it. 

You are His daughter and all He wants is for you to Love Him. That is why you should give your heart to Him, not some boy. 
Spend time with God everyday. 

Make everything you do, for Him. 

Pray when things are going good, and pray when things are going bad. 

Let Him own your heart. Because unlike some stupid boy, He won’t break it. 

To The One I Want… But I hurt.¬†

You know who you are. 
In fact, I’m only going to send this to you so.. here it goes. 
A year ago, life was different. I was battling with myself.. battling with the scars from my breakup. I was depressed. I have been dealing with depression since I was a sophomore in high school. I have been feeling so unworthy most of my life. That isn’t an excuse either to why I hurt you the way I did. I’m so sorry. I’m crying while writing this because I just can’t believe I stood there and let you go. And hurt you so badly. Whenever that’s the LAST thing I wanted. 
Last year… I was a different person. I really was. The girl you know today has come so far to get to where she is. She’s stronger than ever. She’s more confident. She’s a fighter  ( she’s a fighter when she’s mad and a lover when she’s lovin’ ūüėČ ) .. Anyways, she’s different. She was made brand new and the Lord took her broken heart and loved every inch of her. She has always loved God but when she went through heartbreak, she really learned to lean on God because He was all she needed. 

– God is ALL I need. I love him so much you know this. I pray..I read the Bible…I strive every single day to make him proud and be more like him. 
Last night… I stood in darkness looking into your eyes under street lights telling you I couldn’t do it anymore. I’m terrified. You say you don’t know what happened in my last relationship , and you don’t. I wish I could explain it. I really shouldn’t hurt you just because someone hurt me. Why do I do that..why..whenever I know damn well that you aren’t like anyone else. You are one in a million. You are someone I laugh and smile with everyday. You put God first and that’s what I love the most. Our relationship is not what I’m used to. It isn’t toxic. I’m used to toxic miserable relationships with people that treat me like I’m just a person. You treat me like a queen. — 

The first day we hung out.. I still remember it, then again I feel like everything is just a dream with you. I had so much fun with you the day we went bowling. Gosh… 

That day I wasn’t expecting anything.  I told you I wasn’t counting it a date. Because to me it wasn’t. 
(These days..these times spent together are so messed up and I’m sorry..like I said..all of our times are like a dream) 
And then, I remember we went out to the river and sat there for a couple hours just laughing..making shapes out of clouds.. then you kissed me. Did I feel anything?? Heck no. I told you I didn’t even wanna kiss you anymoreūüėā 
After that, I got scared and pushed you away. 

But you kept fighting 

Fast forward to my birthday…

That was AMAZING. one of the sweetest things ANYONE has ever did for me. Again.. at this point I was not expecting anything because I did not see you more than a friend. You spent so much time and effort into making that day perfect (and it was). 

March 22, 2017.. the day I knew I you. 

I want to say that’s the day I fell in love. But I’m not there yet. Why I want to say that is because literally the love slapped me in the face. It was just..THERE. I remember dancing with you on that pier under the night sky..to Ed Sheeran and all I wanted to do was kiss you. I normally process my thoughts before I do something but for some reason I didn’t even do that and I just kissed you. After that, I didn’t even want to stop. I felt so close to you in that moment. That was one of the best nights of my life. – 

I’m sorry if this is so long. But I want to tell you how I feel and the only way I can is through words. 
– I remember getting off work and hearing the news that my grandma was in the hospital. I remember crying my eyes out on the deck of Cracker Barrel and calling you. You were there to tell me it’s okay and that you would take me to Missouri to see her. I was so amazed. I truly didn’t believe you were going to… but I’m so thankful you did. I got to see my best friend. I got to see the woman who inspires me the most. And,I got to spend time with you. We had an amazing weekend together. Waking up next to you and falling asleep in your arms was perfect. We of course had our moments.. but what relationship doesn’t.. you are my best friend and I wouldn’t want anyone else to see all my flaws. I enjoyed every moment that weekend. I took it all in. I love you. 

We went to church together that Sunday, and that..that was one of the most powerful services I attended. You’re my worship partner. I stood there with your hand in mine.. we prayed. We worshipped. I loved every minute of it. God loves us and He just amazes me everyday. Especially when he works through us. He has a plan for the both of us. It might not even be each other. But I know I didn’t just meet you for no reason. We crossed paths for something. Something more than just friends. You are.. NOT just my friend. You are my best friend. My partner in Christ. We face the devil head on. You support me. You have my back… 
You pray for me. I have NEVER had a man pray for me. I have never had a man pray with me. Spiritually we rock this relationship. God is the center of the both of us. He is the one who owns our heart. 

Let me go forward to my feelings for what I have done. For what I said– 

I never wanted to hurt you. I never want to hurt you. I never want to disrespect you. Your heart is gold. And I’m blessed to even be a part of it. I have been having doubts for a week because I know.. I just know this is good for me. I’m happy. I smile and laugh all the time. Yes I’m confused sometimes. I get irritated at you. But that doesn’t change how I feel about you. My mind thinks crazy things but I will say I never stop thinking about you. You are the only one I want on my mind. I’m scared to be in a relationship because I don’t know the outcome. Which sounds even crazier. But I like to know what I’m doing. I like to know if I’m going to end up with the person. But I don’t. There is just no possible way. Especially after such a short amount of time. — So I can’t say I want to marry you. I can’t say I can see a future that far with you. I can’t say I want to move in with you. But what I can say is that I love you. I love the good and the bad. I love all your flaws. Even the ones I don’t know about yet. You have fought for me so hard.. you have been all in since the beginning.. I wish I could say the same. Honestly you deserve a woman who will fight for you everyday. A woman who will be all in. 

But maybe I don’t want another woman to take your heart. 
Maybe I don’t want another woman to make you smile. 

Maybe I don’t want another woman to make you laugh at stupid things. 

Maybe I don’t want another woman to sing with you in the car. 

Maybe I don’t want another woman to love you. 

I love you. 

Hurting you hurts me. I know you forgive me.. but I’m still sorry. 

My Sin Was Great, His Love Was Greater 

It amazes me how God already forgives us for everything we do, even before we do them. I’m not a perfect person. As much as I could  try to be a perfect “Christian”, there is just no such thing. I let God down everyday and He still loves me. He still believes in me, He still gives me a chance to grow and show Him that I’m on His side. 

Some days I wake up feeling like I’m not good enough to call myself Your daughter. Some days I’m reminded of my past and I feel my scars start to bleed again. Then I fall to my knees and remember I’m not defined by my scars. I was cleansed by the Grace of God. He is proud to call me His daughter, so why do I feel unworthy? He forgives me for every single thing I have done, so why can’t I forgive myself? I have been working on those things everyday and it gets better. I’m worthy, God believes I am.. and honestly that’s all that matters. He forgives me, even when I can’t forgive myself. He gives me all His love even when I feel like I don’t deserve it. 

So if you are still holding onto your sins; if you are still afraid to let Him down; if you feel held back– Lay it all down. Lay it down and give it to God. 


We are going to fall, we are going to fail… but every time we do, He makes us new. He frees us all from our anxieties, worries, all of our wrongful actions.. He takes the pain away from it all. You aren’t in control. He is. 

Stop letting your past and your actions define who you are, what you do and how you feel. You are loved more than anything by the One who Created you NOT to be perfect, but to live with purpose. 

Again: your sins don’t define you. 

Also: He forgives you. For everything you have done, AND for what you will do in the future. 
‚̧ԳŹ

My Road Trip With Jesus


Everyone loves a good roadtrip-where you have snacks, music, friends and seeing the world. But when you are on one with Our King, it is much bigger than all of that. You are always seeing the world with Jesus on a roadtrip. You connect with others in many ways, you learn to love, to forgive, and you learn simply how to live. 


Going back to the beginning of my roadtrip with Jesus, I’m going back to the day I took my first breath. He didn’t just give me life, He gave me strength-He was nailed to a cross, where He bled with all that  He had. At that cross, we were forgiven for our sins, and our roadtrip called life was created. 
Coming into this world, I had no expectations; then again I was literally a newborn (haha), but what I mean is I had no expectations because I had nothing to compare anything to. As I went miles and miles on this roadtrip, I found my expectations growing. I was also confused. I kept seeing signs on the road; such as “Slow”, “Road Work”, “Detour”. — Why Lord? Why are you making this so hard? Why are you making me late to my destination? — Those are just a few of the questions I had on my mind. Everytime those signs popped up, pot holes were in the road, or a thunderstorm happened, I looked at Jesus and was angry towards Him. I began to push Him out of the vehicle while I was driving. I finally saw how selfish I was being and I called out to Our King. I asked for forgiveness while tears were running down my cheeks. Yes, I lost my grip of the steering wheel and had no idea where I was headed. But at that moment, I didn’t care. I needed Jesus. 
I didn’t just need Him to get through the pain I was currently in, but I needed Him forever. 


I’m not proud of that part of my trip. I didn’t deserve forgiveness. I didn’t deserve for Him to return. But He did. Once He did, I didn’t want to let go. 

Everyone has a different roadtrip with The Lord. We are going to have distractions, we are going to have pain. But there will be sunshine, there will be that good music we love. 
You might think you’re on the wrong path but He is just leading you to the right road. All the back roads, they eventually lead to well paved roads. But whether you are on gravel or pavement, God will be there. 
I look in the rear-view mirror and I thank the Lord for all the moments spent. If I didn’t go through all of the good, bad and the ugly, I would not be on the road I am now. Even though I can look forward and see where I’m headed, I will never know what is in store for me until I get there. 
All I can do is look to my right where my Savior is in the passenger seat cheering me on. 

For the Girls Who Are Getting Over Emotional Abuse 

Girls who have experienced emotional abuse love and live differently. So many people battle with mental illnesses and being in a relationship where you feel alone makes learning how to be happy harder. 

This is for the girls who are getting over emotional abuse. 
I know you are struggling… 

You want to love yourself so much but can’t because you don’t even know who you are. — You lost yourself completely while in the relationship. You thought you were loved. You thought your future was all figured out. It isn’t anything to be ashamed about, it isn’t your fault. And please keep that in your mind; that it isn’t your fault. He did this to you. 
I know you want to be happy again. You want to get back out there and enjoy the sunshine. You want to go places and have fun. I know you are stuck inside your head. Sometimes you stay up at night wondering what went wrong. Sometimes you stand in the shower and cry because your heart is breaking. You look in the mirror and continually put yourself down. Babygirl, you don’t have to do that anymore… 

I’m not going to say it is easy.. because it’s not. But it does get easier everyday. You will have bad days. You will have good days. You will have days where you want to text him. But we both know that is a terrible idea. 
I know you want to get over him. I know you want to go on dates. But… It will take some time. Go at your own pace and don’t let any negativity in your life. Focus on yourself and don’t worry about moving on. You will know when it is time for you to go out on dates and trust me, the perfect guy is out there for you but don’t feel the need to search for him. 

And I know it’s hard to even think about moving on because you thought he was the one. You thought you would wake up everyday beside him. But he also made you feel unloved. He made you feel worthless, so you feel as you don’t deserve anyone. Darling…you do. You deserve more than happiness. You deserve the love you want to give someone else, plus more. 
One day you will meet someone who will give you all the love in the world. Not one who brings you down constantly. Not one who puts thoughts in your mind hurting you everyday. 
I know you want to get close to your loved ones again. He pulled you away from them and controlled your life in a way you didn’t know was possible. You will get there. You will get closer to them. I know you feel as they won’t understand you, but they will. They are there to listen and hold you. 
I know you feel alone. You want to talk so badly to someone but can’t because you feel as you’re annoying. But venting helps…a lot. There is always someone there to listen. Also, God is always there to listen no matter what it is. 
I know you feel like your heart is broken and it won’t ever be fixed. But your heart gets stronger everyday. Emotionally you were drained by someone who you called your everything. He tore you apart. He dragged you through the dirt. That isn’t your fault. 
He is a manipulator. He is a liar. That is all he will ever be. 
You will make it. You are getting through the pain right now. Emotionally it is tough and I’m sorry you have to deal with all of it. 
As someone who knows what you are going through… as someone who is still going through the same thing… I can say I am finally at the end of the tunnel; where light is shining bright. 
I love myself. 

I’m able to truly love myself because after everything, I found who I am. I accepted who I am. 
I am happy again. 

For the longest time, I was miserable. I woke up everyday with a fake smile on my face whenever on the inside I felt as I was dying. Now, I wake up everyday with a REAL smile. 
I am over him and moving on. 

It has taken months, but like I said it takes time. You will get there. Don’t rush it. 
I am closer to my loved ones. 

I’m so happy I’m close to my family and friends again. They mean everything to me. It breaks my heart to feel so far away from them. So to be back where I belong fills my heart. 
I don’t feel alone anymore. 

When I need to talk to someone I know I can. I know someone is there to listen and hold my hand. I felt alone for awhile and it was hard. But I’m able to look all around me and be hopeful that I can get through anything. 

For the girl getting over emotional abuse, 

I understand you. I understand your situation. I understand how you feel. It is going to take some time to heal. And that is perfectly okay. But please don’t turn away from the world. Fill your heart with love and keep being positive. 
And remember, you are beautiful. 

Why Wait? Open That Door. 

You’re feeling defeated. 

You’re feeling lost. 

You keep praying and praying, hoping God is going to open that door for you. 

Although, God is absolutely in control… You also have control to open that door. 

If God is there pulling on your heart, He is probably trying to tell you to go for it. 

Don’t be afraid to take a chance. God would not put anything in your path if it wasn’t good for you. He only wants happiness for you. 

So when a door is unlocked.. when God is there with light shining through, He wants you to take his hand. He is not going to let you go through it alone. 

I know it has been hard for me in the past to take his hand and let Him be my guide. But once I started walking beside God, with God.. and NOT in front of him, my life turned around. I found myself out of my comfort zone and loving it. I found myself meeting so many people. I found myself enjoying life. 

When I was trying to walk in front of Him, oh boy was I depressed and empty. I didn’t know who I was. I was constantly blaming God for my mistakes and problems. I was really unhappy. I was closing doors that needed to be opened. And I was opening doors that needed to be closed. 
You might be asking, “Well how do you know when the door needs to be closed or opened?” 

The truth is, you will know. God will send you things that you will question, but all you have to do is pray… He puts us through so many tests daily but it is always to make you stronger. That is why when a door opens, go for it. 

If you’re reading this and God is pulling on your heart in someway to do something, I want you to pray and think about what God really wants. 

Want To Keep Her? 


– By the way, before I get comments, this is NOT saying all guys are terrible. I know there are great men out there and I KNOW it goes both ways. So, with that being said let’s get this started – 

You see this beautiful girl from across the room, you approach her, you start talking, you go out, you start developing feelings.. you want her to be yours right? 
And you know she likes you or she wouldn’t waste her time on you. 
If you don’t want her to be yours, what are you doing? Don’t play with her feelings. Tell her how you feel or let her go. Do NOT waste her time. If you see something with her, go get her. Take a risk. If you don’t see anything, tell her! Stop dragging her along just because you don’t want to be lonely. She deserves more than to be used like a toy and you know it. 

Alright so let’s say you finally make it “official” and you are now a couple. Your friends are joking with you saying they “lost” you or that you’re whipped or something like that… Listen, there is NOTHING wrong with caring for her. There is nothing wrong with being there for her. I know that probably scares you, but it is normal. It’s normal to want to spend time with someone you like. 
(Every woman is different, I am not speaking for every woman. I’m going off my feelings and experiences)
And while you are being there for her, please do not be so clingy that she feels like she is suffocating. If you feel the need to text her 24/7, dude, she is going to not answer. If you feel the need to be where she is at all times, you will become farther and farther away from her in every way. Don’t be that guy please. Let her be independent. Let her hang out with her friends alone. Let her hang out with her family alone. You get your independence that way also. 

Trust her. If she has given you a reason to not trust her, that’s a different story. But if she has done absolutely NOTHING for you not to trust her, why are you being that way? Why are you questioning everything? Why are you checking her phone? Why are you jerking the phone out of her hands? Why are you going everywhere with her? I get it.. you have trust issues.. especially from your past relationships.. I get it.. I have those issues sometimes too. But I’m telling you right now, if you don’t have trust in a relationship.. or AT LEAST TRY to have it, it is going to be hard. Try to trust her.
 

Don’t pressure her. If it is taking her longer to open up, be patient with her. She has had a rough past and trust me she is trying her best to let you in. Give her time. It will be worth it when you are let all the way in. So please don’t try to force information out of her; she just isn’t ready for that yet. And when she is, you will know it. 

Quit yelling at her. Start TALKING with her. If you are upset or angry with her, just talk. Don’t yell. That seriously won’t help. It will only make things worse. Fighting is such a storm. So please just make conversation and talk like adults. Fighting is childish. Stay calm. If you are extremely hurt, walk away for a bit. But ALWAYS come back to the problem and solve it. 

Don’t put a bandaid over the issue and push it to the side. It won’t go away. Face it head on. Communication is a key in a healthy relationship in case you didn’t already know that… Tell each other things and don’t hold back. Once you do that, you will start seeing your relationship grow. 

Please, please, please, please don’t lie. This one is HUGE. Tell the truth guys. I swear if you do that, she isn’t going to be as mad as she would be if you lie. And YES hiding things that are big counts as lying. This is a way to lose her ASAP honestly. Unless she’s blind in love and thinks it is all good. But I will tell you she will catch on and she will not stay forever. She will get tired of the lying and leave. So just be honest. It really isn’t that hard. 

Don’t put her down. Use words to build her up. If you’re going to bring her down and upset her, do you really care about her? Calling her names is unacceptable. Telling her she isn’t good enough is unacceptable. I really can’t express how much a person gets drained emotionally through words. I still deal with my scars inside from this. 

Do NOOTTTT cheat! If you want someone else, if you aren’t happy, get out of the relationship. Do not cheat. If you are even thinking about that, just tell her. Don’t text those girls, don’t hook up with anyone else. The only girl it should be with is HER. and if you don’t want that then leave. You and her shouldn’t suffer. And you shouldn’t go cheat on a great girl either. 


I know this is long. I doubt anyone will even read this. But I’m tired of seeing all these amazing girls get hurt from “men” who really need to understand what they are doing! 
Treat her right or someone else will. And don’t say “it’s hard”, 
Give her the right amount of attention. 
Get her food. (Haha I had to add that) 
Be honest. 
Communicate. 
Don’t cheat. 
Be her best friend. 
Make her laugh. 
Be there when she cries.
Be patient.  
Please be careful with her heart. She has been through so much and the last thing she needs is another jerk to tear her heart a part. 
Sammy J. 

Use Me God. 


Wrap your arms around me, Lord. Use me for good. Let me know it is all going to be okay. Mend all my broken pieces. I’m far from perfect; some of my past actions were unGodly and disappointing. 

Use me God, in every way. 

If it means bringing me through a rainstorm and letting the sunlight in, do it. 

If it means taking people out of my life to protect me, please do it. 

If it means not getting that job, because you have something better for me, do it. 

If it means having a toxic relationship only to make me realize what I deserve, go for it. 

Use me, God. 

Please use my brokenness to bring me closer to You. 

I want to love like You. 

I want to grow closer to You. 

I want to inspire others like You inspire me. 

My relationship with You means the world to me.

Everyday is another chance for me to better that relationship. Everyday is another chance for me to be more like You. Everyday is another chance for You to use me. 

Use my broken pieces. 

Use my tears. 

Use my mistakes. 

But most of all… Use my heart, because it belongs to You. 

I Hope You Dance

Just like the Lee Ann Womack song “I hope you dance”, I hope you never lose your sense of wonder.

I hope you wake up and want to be a better person. 

Wake up and drive to be who you want. Don’t let anything or anyone bring you down. Don’t let people try to “change” you. Be yourself and wake up everyday trying to better yourself. 

I hope you spend time with those who bring you joy. 

Meet lots of people! But don’t let any negativity make a way to your life. Spend time with those who bring light to you. Spend time with the ones who understand you and don’t judge. 

I hope you travel to where your heart goes. 

Go on adventures.. by yourself, with others..  I hope you can travel the world, state, or just across the city. Your mind will thank you later. 

I hope you love hard. 

Love like you have nothing to lose. Love everyone around you. Love yourself. Love hard and don’t be afraid of it. I know it might be scary but believe it or not, someone out there is waiting for you to love them. 

I hope you trust in yourself. 

Trust in your feelings. Trust in who you are. Don’t doubt yourself. Don’t question your feelings. Go with your gut. Take a chance and be okay with it. Please don’t fear anything. The chances are worth it all. 

I hope you give and not only take. 

Give and don’t expect anything in return. Be generous. Be kind. It does not have to anything extreme. Open the door for others, smile at others. You will feel better about yourself along with making others feel good. 

I hope you make memories. 

Make memories and never stop. Let yourself go and have fun. Go out and enjoy yourself. Make memories with your friends and family. Create new relationships. Try new things. Go out and live life. 

I hope you never give up. 

When you feel backed in a corner or as you’re drowning, never give up. I hope you keep going and fight for it all. Never forget where you are going. If you fall down, rise back up. You might feel it is a dead end but you just have to break through that wall and keep at it. 

I hope you grow closer to God. 

Place God on your heart. Put Him as your #1 and He will take care of you. Grow closer to Him. Spend time worshipping Him. Spend time with the word. Spend time praying. Fine God’s grace in every mistake. Grow closer to God because life will make sense. 

I hope you dance. 

I really hope you dance. I hope you live life the way you want to. I hope you find happiness everyday. I hope you find the strength to get through the dirt. I hope you dance in the rain. I hope you know you’re loved. I hope you never look back. I hope you never regret.  

Dance with love, passion and faith. Dance like no one is watching.